Week 5 - [Insert Big Dramatic Sigh]

Things were going well. I hadn't missed a day of working out or eating properly. I was feeling good. Then Thursday happened.

I had this goal. Get up early, go to the gym for 2 hours, detail my car, clean my apartment, and then go back to the gym for another hour of cardio and strength training. It was a good goal for my day off.

I was an hour off schedule to go to the gym, only because after a week of phone tag I finally got to talk to my best friend. So it was a well deserved distraction.

Anyway, I get to the gym and walked my mile and did it under 25 minutes. I'm getting better at that. Then I went to the free weights and did some toe touches, knee lifts, and some stretches. Then on my way to weight machines I decided to stop by the locker room and weigh myself.

Here's my thinking. I have a heavy duty standard "analog" scale. You know the one that maxes out at 300 lbs, so it spins around again for your weight. That's what I have, and that's what I've been using to determine my starting weight and my current weight.

I'm 15-20 lbs away from being at the 400 lb mark. Which to me, I'm classifying that as a milestone. I don't know how long I've been over 400 lbs but getting there makes me excited to know I never want to be this weight again.

Anyway, I wanted to weigh myself so I can take a picture of the numbers and do a happy dance for when I finally cross that under 400 lbs threshold.

And here is where my world went dark. 

Now I know that not all scales are created equal, but fucking shit, this one was DRASTICALLY different. When I first hopped on it said that I weighed 456 lbs. Which not only is almost 30 lbs more than what my at home scale says I weigh, but it's also 23 lbs more than what I thought my starting weight was. I was so taken aback by this. I sat for a second and drank my water and tried really hard to get out of my head. I went to the weight machines and really worked my biceps and triceps until they were cooked spaghetti. Then did some leg presses. After I was done with those I decided to go back into the locker room to weigh myself again. I just couldn't believe that number. I hopped on again and it said I weight 443.4 lbs. Now seriously, there is no way I lost 12.6 lbs in just 20 minutes of predominantly arm workouts.

So maybe the scale is calibrated wrong. I'm not sure. I still don't like those numbers being that high. I realistically know I've lost both pounds and inches so I should feel good, but honestly I don't.

Seeing that number makes me realize I'm further away from the Under 400lb Milestone I want to reach. And what if the gym scale is more accurate than my at home scale? That means that my starting weight was worse than what I originally thought. And thinking that makes me feel utterly disgusted in myself.

How can a person walk at such a huge weight? Let alone be alive at that weight without being riddled with diseases. I mean I didn't have high blood pressure, my cholesterol isn't high, I am pre-diabetic, but not diabetic enough for my doctors to have given me metformin or any other pill that lowers blood sugar.

I'm beyond discouraged. I wanted to cry and eat a dozen cookies. I logically know that it took me 25 years of bad eating to get to this weight, and I know there is not some magical pill to make me lose 100 lbs over night. But I feel like it's a set back. And yes losing, close to 15 lbs in a month is a great goal to achieve. It's better than gaining weight or staying the same.

Can't I just be upset for a while? Maybe this is the motivation I need to kick my ass in to gear.

And to top off my shitty Thursday, my rent is going up $25. I hate that, but I also decreased my phone bill by $100 so it will all work out. I just needed to vent.

And lastly, it has been seven days since I sent my trainer that email. I wanted to renew with her for another 12 to 16 weeks thinking we can really kick it into gear, but now I'm somewhat second guessing that. But I know there's no way I can do this on my own, and if I struggled to find someone to help me before, I doubt that will miraculously change.

[insert big dramatic sigh]

Well here's the number on that stupid gym scale. God I hate looking at it. But the only silver lining I have to all of this, is that when the gym scale dips below the 400 mark, I can then do a mini celebratory dance!!

First Flaw with Online Trainer

Well I ended up finding my first flaw with this whole online trainer business.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully understanding of a person's busy schedule. I'm not Heidi's only client, and I'm sure she has her own personal life and possibly her own work/school schedule to deal with.

I had emailed her Friday October 17th, my weekly check in as well as a question I had. I wanted to know what the best order to complete my work out was in order to optimize fat burning.

I'm on IG and I follow several fitness accounts, and one of the pictures stated that the first 15 minutes of the work out targets carbs and sugar and after 30 minutes you enter the fat burning phase, so it was more ideal to do strength training first then end it with cardio so that way the cardio is 100% fat burner.

I wanted to know the validity of that statement, and I have yet to hear back from her and it's been 5 days. Once again, I'm aware she is busy, but from my perspective that's been 5 work outs that I could have done more effectively if I knew the answer to my question.

That's all that matters

My Granny had asked me this weekend what my motivation to truly start this was. A lot of overweight people go thru the Fad dieting and Yo-Yo dieting and I myself have tried a lot of things. Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, counting calories etc. And for some reason since May I had been doing physical activity pretty regularly, and from June thru September I had been actively seeking help.

I'd like to say that there was a boy who broke my heart and getting fit was going to be my ultimate revenge, because that would make sense. But to be quite honest, I didn't have a trigger. I don't know what caused me to finally pursue this adventure. It's the longest I've ever stuck with a lifestyle change in my entire life. I'm happy that I enjoy it.

In the past year, I've gained more self confidence. Don't get me wrong, I still hate staring at myself in the mirror, and I over analyze every photo taken of me, and I get grossed out with how I look on camera, but when I don't see myself in a reflection or a photo, I walk with my head held high, and I leave the house looking as best as I can. I wear cute clothes that accentuate my curves and are comfortable, my make up makes me feel good, and my hair is, well I wish my hair would do more, but I'm fine with it.

I'm covered with physical imperfections and I'm not everyone's ideal body type. But even as a large girl, I've been in love and lust and I've fallen madly in love with someone and I've gotten my heart broken just like a size zero girl has.

I wasn't even bullied when I was younger. I went to a small school, and every once in a while a new kid or some stupid boy from elementary school would say I was fat. But I grew up with a brother who picked on me and he taught me to not only grow thick skin, but to defend myself. So I did. And when high school came, everyone knew me. People either liked me or hated me, but it had nothing to do with my weight. If they made a comment, "fat ass bitch" was pretty common, I agreed with them. I do have a fat ass and I am a bitch. Their words never hurt me, because they couldn't insult my intelligence or anything of substance. I could lose my weight, but they would still have a bitter heart. It truly never bothered me, I don't remember ever crying over someone being so mean as to insult my physical appearance. I just didn't care.

Most of the "bullying" came from my paternal grandparents. I can wholeheartedly say I hated my grandfather and I truly dislike my grandmother. Leaving out the way they treated my father (their son) and my mother and brother, the words they spoke to me as a child made me grow really thick skin, and the words spoken to me as an adult just validated my disliking for them and lost respect.

My grandfather would also tell me a variation of the following sayings.
"You're going to end up a failure like your Dad."
"You'll never get a man if you keep eating"
"You're getting fatter."
"If you keep eating then you'll never be happy"
'Why can't you be more like your cousins."

Keep in mind, he wasn't a slim man, he had a gut.

My grandmother said some of those sayings as well, but as I got older she tried to bribe me.
"If you lose weight, I'll buy you a new wardrobe."
"Men like pretty girls, you have work to do."
"(Insert dramatic sigh) I don't think you'll ever have children."
"What type of life do you live looking like that."

Once again, she was not a slim woman. She probably fluctuated from a size 14-22 all my life.

I'd like to say that their words gave me motivation. But considering my grandfather died when I was in middle school, and I see my grandmother only once a year, it didn't. Yeah they were probably the foundation in which I emotionally ate, but I just don't know the reason I started this. Does it matter?

Whether I'm only active for 30 minutes or for 2 hours, I'm doing more now than I ever done, and I'm seeing the number on the scale decrease, and I measure myself at the beginning and end of each month and the numbers either decrease or they stay the same, they have not increased. That's the end result right? Be a better version of yourself.

A lot of bigger girls know that to make up for their appearance they develop a kick ass personality. And yeah, I've got a great personality. I'm not every one's cup of tea, but I am quick witted, and super sarcastic, and I try to make dull mundane things fun. I enjoy being goofy and laughing. I can be both sharp and tough or soft and sweet. I like who I am, and I like who I'm becoming.

Week 5 - Day 1 - Fingers Crossed

I shaved 5 minutes off my mile time this weekend. I really pushed myself to go faster, and I'm not saying I pushed myself harder than I should have, but my breath was out of control. Luckily it doesn't take too long for me to catch my breath, but I should have increased it a tad more gradual. But it did get my heart pumping and get me sweating, so I still felt good afterward.

I'm on track to being under 400 lbs soon. I really want to kick ass and go hard this next week and so how close I get to being under that mark. I don't really know the last time I weighed less than 400 lbs. I haven't owned a scale for long.

FINGERS CROSSED!

Body Changes and Plus Size Clothing

So this is an image I see floating around Instagram quite a lot. When I look in the mirror, I don't see many changes in my body. Granted, there is only a certain amount of time I want to stare at myself naked, before my self-esteem just plummets to the ground.

But I did notice that I can no longer wear a pair of capri pants that I own. I hate wearing belts on my pants, because they make me feel bulky and they always poke thru my shirts so I tend to avoid them. These capris fit loose on my waist, so I kept having to pull them up, and they were really loose around my thighs and knees and they basically made me look really frumpy that day.

Which is a good thing. The one thing I pride myself on is not being a stereotypical fat girl. I dress to flatter my curves, and accentuate my breasts or my butt or whatever I can so I look decent on the outside, but feel good on the inside. I can walk out of my house with my  head held high because I know I look good to my taste.

I was the frumpy fat girl all thru high school, because we didn't have much money and I never learned to dress like a curvy girl. I probably really didn't start dressing this way til I was 19, and then by the age of 22 I started really dressing better than I ever did. I started taking a lot more pride in my appearance. My make up game is on point, and my clothes are as cute as can be. It makes me wish I took advantage of my smaller self when I was younger to dress prettier, but I pay for my clothes now, and yeah plus size clothing is so expensive, so there is no way my parents could have afforded what I wear now. It's been a major "If I knew then what I know now" type of moments.

About a year ago I started being more adventurous with what I wear. I usually stuck with Dark denim jeans and some sort of black or red top. Usually a t-shirt or tunic. Now I own a very royal blue blue jeans, and lavender capris, and polka dot capris, as well as prints on my tops. I no longer just wear a solid color dark top. I have an assortment of colors and I've even wore white. I gained a lot more confidence in the past year, and I can't wait to see where I'll be when I'm thru with this 6 week program.

I like Heidi. I think I'll actually buy her 8 or 12 week program next. Might just make a year long commitment to her, because with her help, I've noticed inches come off me, and pounds come of the scale. I think if I go strong and hard these next two weeks I could be under 400 lbs. Which would be completely amazing!!

Week 4 - Days 2-6 - F*CK YOU ALLERGIES

Well I live in Texas and our weather is definitely all season in one week. I've been loving the fall temperatures we've been feeling lately, but that took a toll on me this week.

Monday was good. I did a lot of cardio and some weight training and I was feeling good thinking I could do more than scheduled for this week, until Tuesday came along and knocked me on my ass.

Tuesday thru Thursday I was sick. Sinus pressure headaches that turned into migraines, and dry heaving bouts that made me wish I would just vomit already. Does anyone else feel 10x better after they vomit? I know I do.

I stocked up on allergy pills, emergen-c packets and ramen noodles. Ramen noodles are not part of my diet plan, but when I was only eating ezekial bread and this, I figure, whatever it's my "cheat" meal for the 6 week program. I'm so super picky on chicken noodle soup, that I realized my goal this winter is to come up with my own "healthier" chicken broth to have when I am sick. Maybe I can add the Quest Nutrition noodles to it, so it will be the better choice than SODIUM INTENSE RAMEN NOODLES. But damn I sure do love the convenience of 3 minute soup. Plus it's crazy cheap, I think I paid 15 cents a package.

Tuesday thru Thursday, I didn't work out. I rested, and I did a few at home strength training items that Heidi had listed, but between the headaches and the body aches and the dry heaving, I greatly enjoyed reading in bed and napping.

I'm a huge advocate for the emergen-c packets. Usually when people around me are starting to get sick or I feel like I'm not at 100%, I will either take a few more Vit-C pills or if it's a dire situation, I'll reach for the emergen-c. I think it definitely helped me this go round.

Today is Friday, and I am feeling 100% better. I still am taking the day off from the gym, so 1) I can be 100% mentally and physically but 2) it's my Granny's 80th Birthday weekend, so tonight I'm having dinner with her and my gym closes at 9pm on Fridays. BOO.

But I am all scheduled to hit the gym on Saturday and Sunday, and I'm even trying to schedule a little hiking session on Saturday to get some extra cardio in.

Week 5 - I'm really going to kick my ass in gear. There should be no excuses this time around.

Week 4 - Day 1 - Cardio and Food Porn

So I'm not exactly sure what the city has been putting in my tap water, but whatever it is has been giving me so much energy.

Saturday I walked for 45 minutes and rode the stationary bike for 20 minutes then proceeded with strength training.

But Sunday (Day 1 of Week 4) I had a fuck ton of energy. I ended up walking on the treadmill for a whole hour without stopping and I was doing moderate to fast intervals. I couldn't be more excited, I don't think the last time I did that was when I was touring Washington D.C. with my best friend and we just ended up walking the city for like 8 hours at a leisurely pace.

So fucking happy for myself. After my cardio session I ended up strength training for close to two hours.

Then came home, cleaned up my apartment, did homework then made me a yummy dinner of Baked Cod, Steamed Broccoli and an Oven Baked Sweet Potato.

Now if the rest of week 4 can be like Day 1, then I should feel the weight shedding off of me.

Week 3 - Days 3-7

Nothing really horrible happened during these days.

I've been so busy with work and school, but I did manage to go to the gym for 5 of the 7 days.

A few of the days I forgot to eat until dinner time just because I was so busy. I need to keep almonds and some fruit in my purse when I remember.

On to Week 4!!!

Week 3 - Day Two - A Little Pick Me Up

This is going to be a short and sweet post!

It's only 8:30 on Monday morning, and I woke up thinking I was going to have another serious case of the Mondays. I woke up late, I know I didn't have time to make me a real breakfast. Before I walked out the door I grabbed an apple and a banana. I keep my scale in my kitchen, and I decided to just hop on real quick.

I LOST 8 LBS!!!!

8 fucking pounds! I'm so giddy, I think it was the determination I needed to get thru this week and keep progressing!!

Week Two: Days 1-5: Time Management and Sadness

I made it to week two of the Heidi Somers' coaching plan. I'm not dead nor am I starving. Go figure.

This week hasn't been the greatest. While I am on track with my diet and following her plan, my time management skills have been lacking on making it to the gym. I've done the at-home exercises she listed, but I haven't found the time to do the cardio. I had a semi huge exam for one of my classes that I didn't feel prepared for, so I was staying up til 1 am almost every night studying. I should have took an hour break and just went to the gym, but I didn't. I have midterms coming up as well, and I'm just hoping with the stress of it all that I don't forget to work out or lose track of my diet.

Lately I've just been lacking motivation. I think I'm heart broken. It sounds dramatic and I'm not usually one to claim being heart broken, but I know I'm sad as of late and it's completely cutting into how much I want to be in the gym.

I did go last night for about two hours. Worked out til my arms felt like limp noodles, and conquered my cardio. I just gotta go no matter what. I have to find the time to get there. It's only 1-2 hours of my day.

Here's to a better end to week 2 and a better start to week 3.