I had this goal. Get up early, go to the gym for 2 hours, detail my car, clean my apartment, and then go back to the gym for another hour of cardio and strength training. It was a good goal for my day off.
I was an hour off schedule to go to the gym, only because after a week of phone tag I finally got to talk to my best friend. So it was a well deserved distraction.
Anyway, I get to the gym and walked my mile and did it under 25 minutes. I'm getting better at that. Then I went to the free weights and did some toe touches, knee lifts, and some stretches. Then on my way to weight machines I decided to stop by the locker room and weigh myself.
Here's my thinking. I have a heavy duty standard "analog" scale. You know the one that maxes out at 300 lbs, so it spins around again for your weight. That's what I have, and that's what I've been using to determine my starting weight and my current weight.
I'm 15-20 lbs away from being at the 400 lb mark. Which to me, I'm classifying that as a milestone. I don't know how long I've been over 400 lbs but getting there makes me excited to know I never want to be this weight again.
Anyway, I wanted to weigh myself so I can take a picture of the numbers and do a happy dance for when I finally cross that under 400 lbs threshold.
And here is where my world went dark.
Now I know that not all scales are created equal, but fucking shit, this one was DRASTICALLY different. When I first hopped on it said that I weighed 456 lbs. Which not only is almost 30 lbs more than what my at home scale says I weigh, but it's also 23 lbs more than what I thought my starting weight was. I was so taken aback by this. I sat for a second and drank my water and tried really hard to get out of my head. I went to the weight machines and really worked my biceps and triceps until they were cooked spaghetti. Then did some leg presses. After I was done with those I decided to go back into the locker room to weigh myself again. I just couldn't believe that number. I hopped on again and it said I weight 443.4 lbs. Now seriously, there is no way I lost 12.6 lbs in just 20 minutes of predominantly arm workouts.
So maybe the scale is calibrated wrong. I'm not sure. I still don't like those numbers being that high. I realistically know I've lost both pounds and inches so I should feel good, but honestly I don't.
Seeing that number makes me realize I'm further away from the Under 400lb Milestone I want to reach. And what if the gym scale is more accurate than my at home scale? That means that my starting weight was worse than what I originally thought. And thinking that makes me feel utterly disgusted in myself.
How can a person walk at such a huge weight? Let alone be alive at that weight without being riddled with diseases. I mean I didn't have high blood pressure, my cholesterol isn't high, I am pre-diabetic, but not diabetic enough for my doctors to have given me metformin or any other pill that lowers blood sugar.
I'm beyond discouraged. I wanted to cry and eat a dozen cookies. I logically know that it took me 25 years of bad eating to get to this weight, and I know there is not some magical pill to make me lose 100 lbs over night. But I feel like it's a set back. And yes losing, close to 15 lbs in a month is a great goal to achieve. It's better than gaining weight or staying the same.
Can't I just be upset for a while? Maybe this is the motivation I need to kick my ass in to gear.
And to top off my shitty Thursday, my rent is going up $25. I hate that, but I also decreased my phone bill by $100 so it will all work out. I just needed to vent.
And lastly, it has been seven days since I sent my trainer that email. I wanted to renew with her for another 12 to 16 weeks thinking we can really kick it into gear, but now I'm somewhat second guessing that. But I know there's no way I can do this on my own, and if I struggled to find someone to help me before, I doubt that will miraculously change.
[insert big dramatic sigh]
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