My Granny had asked me this weekend what my motivation to truly start this was. A lot of overweight people go thru the Fad dieting and Yo-Yo dieting and I myself have tried a lot of things. Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, counting calories etc. And for some reason since May I had been doing physical activity pretty regularly, and from June thru September I had been actively seeking help.
I'd like to say that there was a boy who broke my heart and getting fit was going to be my ultimate revenge, because that would make sense. But to be quite honest, I didn't have a trigger. I don't know what caused me to finally pursue this adventure. It's the longest I've ever stuck with a lifestyle change in my entire life. I'm happy that I enjoy it.
In the past year, I've gained more self confidence. Don't get me wrong, I still hate staring at myself in the mirror, and I over analyze every photo taken of me, and I get grossed out with how I look on camera, but when I don't see myself in a reflection or a photo, I walk with my head held high, and I leave the house looking as best as I can. I wear cute clothes that accentuate my curves and are comfortable, my make up makes me feel good, and my hair is, well I wish my hair would do more, but I'm fine with it.
I'm covered with physical imperfections and I'm not everyone's ideal body type. But even as a large girl, I've been in love and lust and I've fallen madly in love with someone and I've gotten my heart broken just like a size zero girl has.
I wasn't even bullied when I was younger. I went to a small school, and every once in a while a new kid or some stupid boy from elementary school would say I was fat. But I grew up with a brother who picked on me and he taught me to not only grow thick skin, but to defend myself. So I did. And when high school came, everyone knew me. People either liked me or hated me, but it had nothing to do with my weight. If they made a comment, "fat ass bitch" was pretty common, I agreed with them. I do have a fat ass and I am a bitch. Their words never hurt me, because they couldn't insult my intelligence or anything of substance. I could lose my weight, but they would still have a bitter heart. It truly never bothered me, I don't remember ever crying over someone being so mean as to insult my physical appearance. I just didn't care.
Most of the "bullying" came from my paternal grandparents. I can wholeheartedly say I hated my grandfather and I truly dislike my grandmother. Leaving out the way they treated my father (their son) and my mother and brother, the words they spoke to me as a child made me grow really thick skin, and the words spoken to me as an adult just validated my disliking for them and lost respect.
My grandfather would also tell me a variation of the following sayings.
"You're going to end up a failure like your Dad."
"You'll never get a man if you keep eating"
"You're getting fatter."
"If you keep eating then you'll never be happy"
'Why can't you be more like your cousins."
Keep in mind, he wasn't a slim man, he had a gut.
My grandmother said some of those sayings as well, but as I got older she tried to bribe me.
"If you lose weight, I'll buy you a new wardrobe."
"Men like pretty girls, you have work to do."
"(Insert dramatic sigh) I don't think you'll ever have children."
"What type of life do you live looking like that."
Once again, she was not a slim woman. She probably fluctuated from a size 14-22 all my life.
I'd like to say that their words gave me motivation. But considering my grandfather died when I was in middle school, and I see my grandmother only once a year, it didn't. Yeah they were probably the foundation in which I emotionally ate, but I just don't know the reason I started this. Does it matter?
Whether I'm only active for 30 minutes or for 2 hours, I'm doing more now than I ever done, and I'm seeing the number on the scale decrease, and I measure myself at the beginning and end of each month and the numbers either decrease or they stay the same, they have not increased. That's the end result right? Be a better version of yourself.
A lot of bigger girls know that to make up for their appearance they develop a kick ass personality. And yeah, I've got a great personality. I'm not every one's cup of tea, but I am quick witted, and super sarcastic, and I try to make dull mundane things fun. I enjoy being goofy and laughing. I can be both sharp and tough or soft and sweet. I like who I am, and I like who I'm becoming.
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